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Don't Talk Yourself Out Of It


What is the best way to end the first meeting with the woman. Not the first "date". For example just a quick 30 minute get together at say a coffee shop. This first meeting really isn't appropriate for touching or kissing? Or is it?

Remember, you're always trying to move forward along the Dating Continuum on your meetings with women. There are specific goals along the way, and those are detailed in the e-book: Transitions.

Let's look at your goals: The first time you meet with a woman you're looking to deepen her attraction for you. (In fact, this is always your unspoken goal at every step of the way.) It is most important at this point, where she can easily turn away. You have to give her reasons NOT to.

**NOTE: When I say you are looking to deepen a woman's attraction for you, I do NOT mean by doing wimpy supplicating things that scream out "I'M INSECURE, NEEDY, OR OTHERWISE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL." You are never out to give away your personal power as a man. You increase her attraction by being YOURSELF, and by focusing on the best presentation of yourself through the strategies in my e-book.

So on the first coffee-meeting, you're trying to keep things short and sweet, but don't LIMIT yourself, either. In other words, you're not going to stop just because you've decided to keep to the rule of a short first meeting. Hell, if things are going great, keep going. But you go in with the expectation of certain boundaries that help YOU keep perspective.

(Hang on, guys, this is where you learn about the gray areas...)

In other words, you learn these rules so that you can use them - and then learn when to throw them out entirely. You have to know the rules to know how and when to break them.

The answer to your question of what is and isn't appropriate will depend on who you are with and how it's going.

Personally, I recommend you touch AT LEAST once (but probably not more than that) on the first meeting. Why? Because you need to let her know your intentions. She has to know that you're not in this for another female coffee-buddy.

The other side of this is that you have to avoid the trap that some guys fall into, which is when they find a woman they are really into, they touch too much, too soon. You have to hang back and chill. Wait for a good opportunity to put your hand on hers for a second, and then take it away. This establishes more "charge" between you than a smile and a handshake at the end.

As far as kissing, in MOST circumstances, it's not going to be likely on the first short meeting. In fact, if you set it up so that you avoid the kiss in the right way, you set it up a little more for the next time.

I suggest a goodbye hug, with a playful caveat: "Well, gimme a hug, because it's way too soon for a first kiss." (Smile)

If you can see this, it's better to just pull it out in the open and joke about it. It's what a confident man would do.

Just, please, don't shake hands at the end of your meeting, unless you have no interest in seeing her again.

(A handshake... eww.... I'm getting the hives...) A hug is a minimum expectation. If you can't get that, you're already circling the drain.

Hanging back and not going for the inappropriate (or undesired contact) shows discipline, security, and control.

Just end the meeting by demonstrating you are not just in this for a new friend. But be very coy as to how you communicate your interest. Leave a little charge there for her to feel, and the next meeting will be where you establish things a bit further - and you will go for that kiss.

And if things are going really well, go for the kiss. Just remember: You must know before trying as to whether or not she will kiss you. If you're going in on a wing and a prayer, you're ignoring a lot of pre-work.


Today evening I was in a Card Shop and busy selecting a Card for my Sister. I noticed a cute female waking by me and near me 2-3 Times. I could sense she was interested to approach me. I felt I should talk to her, maybe ask her help me choose a card but then I talked myself out of it.

I am just about starting on the dating field and am quite shy. So, should I have talked to her and just asked her help to choose a card and then walked away OR have asked her (A Total Stranger) for a movie? What would you have done in such a situation?

Do you approach Cute Girls you see in Shops/Movie halls etc and ask them out for a date- If Yes, what do you say to them?

If you've read the free e-book, you know all you need to about what to say to a gal you meet, and I don't need to repeat that here. I do sense what is really going on here, and it's not your lack of knowing the right words to say to her. (By the way, your idea of having her help you choose a card is RIGHT ON THE MONEY. Perfect.)

Let's start with the issue of what NOT to do. You do NOT meet someone and immediately ask for a date or a movie. That's way too much too soon. You only want to get the chance to speak with her again. All you need for that is her phone number or email. Don't make it harder than it has to be.

Now, as to the issue of a "Total Stranger" ...

Just remember, EVERY one of your previous girlfriends and friends started out as a total stranger to you. Through circumstance, you got acquainted, and from there things took off.

Where are you going to start off the next romance?

Oddly enough, thinking in these terms will probably "click" something in your mind that will highlight just how important it is to get over the fear of rejection of new women. Chances are, you've already depleted your immediate pool of familiar females to ask out, so every woman after that is going to be "new" in some way.

You hit it on the head right there when you said, "I felt I should talk to her, maybe ask her help me choose a card but then I talked myself out of it."

What were you saying when you were self-sabotaging yourself?

- "She wouldn't be interested in me."
What, you can see the future? You can read her mind? No. That was just your insecurity talking.

- "She's probably got a boyfriend already."
Again, you can read her mind? She's got a tattoo that says, "I'm Marvin's Girlfriend, stay away" ? That's a cop-out guys invent to avoid being rejected.

- "She's hit on all the time, and she's going to be mad if I do." If she's really interested in you, do you think she's going to be mad you introduced yourself? No, I don't think so.

- "I don't want to be hurt if she says 'NO' to me. I don't want to be rejected." You probably didn't acknowledge this on a conscious level, but this is the REAL message you were cooking in your brain. This is the root cause, and the real problem we need to address.

You said you could sense that she was interested to get near you, yet you talked yourself out of acting on it. Do you see the conflict of thoughts and reasoning here?

Chances are, she probably WAS interested, and since a woman will likely not approach you, all she will do is put herself within your range if she is interested. She's opening a door of opportunity. If you take it, you both win.

BUT if you don't, you both LOSE.

And the next guy that comes along who does something WINS instead of you.

Does that thought make you squirm a little? It should.

What I've discovered over the years is that if I want to be motivated to DO something (instead of hang back like a chump when an attractive women enters my sphere of influence) is that I have to either imagine the vivid pain I will feel after not doing anything, or the immense pleasure that can be mine if I DO act.

Those are the ONLY two options on the planet. Every time I fail to act, I immediately fail by default.

You guys know my saying: "You miss every single shot you don't take."

That is the pain I want to avoid.
I imagine it, feel it, taste it, see it, and I let it PISS ME OFF.

Then, I think about the possible PLEASURE of having her respond favorably, and I get her number. I steer myself away from the pain of wimping out, and toward the possible pleasure of success.

Risk -> reward.

What's underneath your fear of approaching her...? Why did you not act, even when you KNEW she was slightly interested?

A fear of rejection.


Here, consider this:

Most of the women that you're NOT interested in probably aren't interested in YOU, either. But you're not hurt by that, are you? Their approval doesn't matter.

Why not?

Because their judgment holds NO MEANING for you. You don't need their approval.

What you're doing is attaching meaning to a woman you don't even know yet based on your level of interest and attraction TO HER.

I see a few confused faces out there. Allow me to re-state:

It's 3:00 in the afternoon when you see a beautiful woman, and you talk yourself out of approaching her. At 3:05, what do you have? Nothing. Nada. Squat. Zero. Niente. You go on with life, but you've got a sick sense in your gut that you just lowered your value because you wimped. You failed to act like an Alpha dog and lost any chance of getting what you wanted. You THINK you got away without being rejected or hurt because you didn't take a risk, but a small voice inside you tells you you really didn't get away without being hurt... did you?

Remember: There is NO pain worse than the thought of selling yourself short every day and failing to act on your desires. Most guys are experts at hiding and distracting themselves from this pain.

It's 3:00 in the afternoon when you see a beautiful woman and you approach the woman instead of walking away. At 3:05 what do you have? You're either going to have her phone number (or email) in about 80+% of the time - if you use my methods - OR you're going to have nothing. Nada. Squat. Zero. Niente.
Understand that you stand a good chance for success. And, even if you don't get the number, by taking action you actually feel a little BETTER because you didn't chump out. No sick sensation. No selling yourself short. And chances are you made HER day a little better by showing a little interest. (Not to mention the process of developing a thicker hide so that future rejections won't even make you flinch.)

Which scenario leaves you with the best probability of success?

Let me give you a hint: SCENARIO 2.

Rejection is NEVER as bad as you imagine it.
Rejection is only important to you if you believe you NEED HER APPROVAL.

And why would a strange woman who doesn't even KNOW YOU or anything ABOUT YOU have any ability to judge or grant you approval?

Is this getting through?

Shyness is common. I dealt with it for twenty or more years, until I realized that no woman is really attracted to "shy", and the only person who could change that was ME. No one would ever force me to show my personality. It's easier for someone to move on than overcome your barriers to them.

Shyness is not fatal unless you use it for your excuse not to act. So grab your inner shy-guy and bitch-slap him a few times. I'm not going to insult your intelligence or cripple your development with women by telling you that being shy is good for your singles life. It's not. It will take some effort, but it will be the best effort you EVER spend.

Take it from someone who's been there and bought the t-shirt: You don't have to turn from a shy-guy into an instant extroverted life-of-the-party, but you do have to risk exposing yourself. Don't end up in your 50s or 60s without having lived your life. Regret the things you DID, not the things you DIDN'T.

Rejection is life. You're being rejected all the time and not thinking twice about it. But the second an attractive woman enters your world, we lose all perspective and start to believe that her opinion of us is important enough to avoid facing it.

It's up to you which of these things to believe. I know this might sound like Anthony Robbins psycho-babble, but it's true. What you believe affects what you do every minute.

So forget the crazy analytical talk if you can grasp this realization:

Whenever you fail to try, you're just saying it's okay to keep on losing just a little while longer.

Is this too harsh? Too tough?

I don't think so.

Look, guys, there's a reason I don't give away a free hanky with your subscription to this newsletter. I'm here to give you the Dating TRUTH, whether it sits well with you or not. Those who have stuck it out here know that I'm not some self-help wannabe filling your head with sh*t about writing love poems or finding your inner "sacred self."

I'm here to try and revive the order of men who remember what it's like to still feel a pair down there. I talk with women ALL THE TIME that are sick to death of today's "girly man," guys who can't even change a tire or their own oil. I spoke with a woman I know over the weekend who rattled off a list of things she found attractive in a man, and it's amazing to hear them:

She wanted a rugged guy, one who could actually be useful, for one. (Here in San Francisco there's an amazing shortage of that.) She also wanted a guy who wasn't afraid to go after what he wanted. (Ambition/Goals.) She wanted a man who realized that masculinity has qualities women desire. All of her desires were for a man of ACTION, not a passive wait-and-see kind of guy.

You don't have to grunt and squirt testosterone to be a man, but you've got to start somewhere. Hell, man, go rebuild an engine. Go climb a mountain. Reclaim your lost gender identity.

Yeah, rejection sucks.

I really do understand this situation. It's always a risk for a guy to put himself out there like that, letting a woman appraise you and decide yes or no ...

But IT'S OUR JOB. With a little understanding, you can improve your confidence going into situations like this, and that specter of rejection will leave you alone. It ALWAYS loses its sting the more you face it and put it into proper perspective. Abso-freakin-lutely, guaranteed.

Which leads me to this: You know that women are getting more and more picky about men, and they can sniff out inferior guys with just a whiff of your confidence. And to stand out you MUST have the edge on the other guys out there.

My e-book gives you the information and skills to get the women YOU want. Not settle for.

There are so many things you have to have down pat in the singles world.

Like, how do you NOT screw it up in those vital first couple minutes of meeting a woman?

You've heard me say this before: Getting laid is not about getting "lucky."

It's about having the right knowledge and understanding up front. Women are actually WAITING for men to date and sleep with, if you'll just give them the right reasons WHY they should be with YOU. It's deliberate and on-purpose, not subject to the whims of chance and fate.

BE the kind of man they are waiting for. That's all they ask of you.

I've worked for years to break down what it is that women are trying to tell you with their behavior, and finding out the hard way why being a "nice guy" is dooming you to failure.

You need this knowledge and understanding.

When you have that knowledge, you can make better choices and demonstrate better behaviors.

When you demonstrate better behavior, you will get better RESULTS.

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. Don't make me send Tony Soprano over there to wake you up.

My e-book -THE DATING BLACK BOOK- will help you get all of that ... and then some.

Just remember: Every man is self-made, but only the SUCCESSFUL admit it.

Where do you go for the information you need?

THE DATING BLACK BOOK has the complete breakdown of the dating scene, and it's ready for download right now, no matter where you are or what time it is in the world.

Carlos Xuma is a dating and seduction advisor, as well as a motivational and life counselor. He's the author of The Dating Black Book, Secrets of the Alpha Man, the Advanced Audio Coaching Series, and too many other articles to mention.

Each week, the Dating Dynamics newsletter gives advice to men across the world on topics related to dating, relationships, and sex. Carlos Xuma helps men get more confidence and success with women ... After all, every man has the right to a healthy dating life. Dating Dynamics provide advice, articles, books, audio, and all the resources a mand needs for success.

Carlos has also been a guest advisor and author on numerous sites and respected dating publications, such as:

- Maxim Radio
- Utopia Radio
- Bikini Hangout
- A-Lovelinks-Plus
- Seduction Insider
- Don Juan Center
- Dating Newsletter
- Single Again
- Cliff's List
- Dating Class
- The Dating Insider Book
- Man Mindset
- Summum Magazine
- Savvy Insider - the art of single living

- Carlos Xuma

email: advice@datingdynamics.com

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