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Pain ManagementI was snowboarding in Lake Tahoe a few weeks back, and there was a demonstration of chin-ups by some Marines to boost enlistment. They had the Marines hummer there, as well. I noticed the t-shirt one of the guys had on, and the message was brutally honest and clear:
"Pain is the sensation of weakness leaving your body."
That got me thinking about the nature of pain, and how it functions in dating and seduction. The most important thing for a man to do as he learns how to handle women is to keep his head on straight. Keep your attitude healthy, because that will be the ultimate weapon in this war of the sexes. You must keep yourself on the positive upward spiral. The way you handle your pain in the singles world is critical to your overall success.
How do you view pain?
Do you avoid pain at all costs? Do you find yourself seeking only pleasure and staying away from circumstances that could potentially cause you pain?
I address the pain/pleasure motivational spectrum in my e-book, THE DATING BLACK BOOK, and I want to help you through a little of your own anguish here today. How you handle it will ultimately determine your success.
You see, you have to be willing - and even a little eager, as sick as that sounds - to go through a little discomfort to get to your goals with women. Men don't have the built-in sexual instincts that women are brought up with. Women study this stuff every week, from Teen magazine to Cosmopolitan, to know how the game works and how to win. They've always had the upper hand.
Guys just start out at a natural disadvantage in dating and sex. As young men, we focus on being strong providers and enjoying ourselves, playing football and 'reading' Penthouse from time to time. Our sexual education is mostly comprised of a few bad porno movies, or our embarrassed father trying to explain the birds and the bees. (My dad's attempt was pretty awful.) Women get busy as soon as they discovered that Ken dolls were not anatomically correct, and they learn how to collaborate with other women about the drama of their relationships for enjoyment.
To get better at the game of dating and seduction, think of it being something like when Michael Jordan decided he wanted to switch from basketball to baseball. Remember how he tried for the major leagues, but he had to go back to the minors to prove himself? You need to understand that YOU have to go back to the minor league, too. You need to get a few bumps and bruises, and then you can deal with her in the major leagues. (Unlike Michael, you CAN and WILL make it to the major leagues in this sport if you keep learning and improving.)
So how do you manage the pain? First of all, realize that the ONLY pain you feel when you're out there in the "dating" world is all self-induced. YOU are the one making yourself feel bad or inadequate 95% of the time. Understand that most women NEVER do the things you are afraid of just for walking up and talking to her, like slapping you or throwing a drink in your face. As long as you're not a complete idiot and don't come on too strong, women will give you a chance about 99% of the time. All of the rejection you are so worried about is made up, and absolutely none of it reflects on you as a person.
So how do you contend with the constant disappointment and mixed messages?
Pain management is your answer.
Set a threshold of emotional investment with women so that you limit your potential pain from them. If you find it difficult to flirt and hit on the ladies because it's too painful, back off a bit. Just say "Hi!" as you pass them on the street. Reduce your energy output so that you don't feel impacted by her response. When you get sufficiently recharged, you can then start to risk more contact with her again, and you'll feel more up to the challenge.
Another form of pain management is to ensure that you interpret women's reactions correctly. It's easy and tempting to read too much into a woman's behavior, and even more difficult to not take her reactions too seriously. Remember that while you're trying to get into her bed, you should never try to get into her head. You need to keep your observation of her behavior based only on the results you get. Watch only what she DOES, not what she says. Her actions will tell you what she is feeling, even when her words seem to contradict. If you get caught up in the game of trying to figure out why she didn't call, or why she always flirts with other guys when you're around, you'll create a lot of pain for yourself. Stay as detached from her as possible at the early stages so you can avoid getting misdirected.
The rule for pain management is the same as it is on Wall Street: Only invest as much as you can afford to lose. Too many guys get into trouble by putting too much of an emotional investment out there, and then when they don't get the response they feel entitled to, they turn bitter and angry. Don't make this mistake.
Manage your pain, and you'll be able to stay in the game longer, and your endurance and tolerance will rise dramatically - as will your results. You'll feel your weaknesses around women leaving you with each step you take.
Here's a bonus strategy: To keep your attitude and sense of self and fulfillment up - and the pain controlled - take the opportunity to create a zone in your world to affirm your value. What you need to do is create an Ego Wall.
An Ego Wall is a place where you hang your awards, certificates, diplomas, pictures, plaques, etc. - all the things that pump up your opinion and belief in yourself. On my Ego Wall I've got pictures of me snowboarding, skydiving, my day at a race car school, my college diploma, my martial arts certificates, etc. It's affirming to me, and when other women see it, they understand that I'm not just waiting around on the sidelines of life - I go out and actively pursue what I want. This is immensely attractive to women.
Make yourself an ego-wall to help you through those painful moments in your learning process. And remember: Pain is nothing more than the sensation of weakness leaving your body.
Manage that pain.
Carlos Xuma is a dating and seduction advisor, as well as a motivational and life counselor. He's the author of The Dating Black Book, Secrets of the Alpha Man, the Advanced Audio Coaching Series, and too many other articles to mention.
Each week, the Dating Dynamics newsletter gives advice to men across the world on topics related to dating, relationships, and sex. Carlos Xuma helps men get more confidence and success with women ... After all, every man has the right to a healthy dating life. Dating Dynamics provide advice, articles, books, audio, and all the resources a mand needs for success.
Carlos has also been a guest advisor and author on numerous sites and respected dating publications, such as:
- Maxim Radio
- Utopia Radio
- Bikini Hangout
- Seduction Insider
- Don Juan Center
- Dating Newsletter
- Single Again
- Cliff's List
- Dating Class
- The Dating Insider Book
- Man Mindset
- Summum Magazine
- Savvy Insider - the art of single living
- Carlos Xuma
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