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Dennis W. Neder
Real Social Dynamics
Meet people from all over the US interested in no-strings attached fun.
I still don't understand how to deepen a woman's attraction for me.
I am good at getting a number as well as getting a first hang out, but that's where the problems start.
Since I am clueless as far as deepening their attraction it instantly becomes like we're just friends when we hang out. And if I move in for a kiss, at any point, it's like they're surprised that someone they thought of as a friend would do that. It's amazing how quickly this friends veil gets thrown over me. It's like at any point I try to move along the Dating Continuum, they pull the rug out from under me. I don't think it's simply a question of rapport because I've gotten that and it still amounts to surprise/rejection if I move in for a kiss. Or even worse sometimes they'll go with the kiss and then won't hang out with me again because it wasn't what they wanted from me.
I know what it's like to be in control with a woman, unfortunately the only times I've had it in my life are the rare occasions that a woman has just taken a liking to me before she even knows me. Then it's smooth and easy sailing.
I think I know where you're coming from on this one.
Try this on for size:
You feel like you're in a rut. You start out with this nagging feeling that the only women you can attract are the ones that are ALREADY attracted to you. You even probably feel that you are ENTITLED to some results for the amount of effort you put in. It's hard to feel comfortable when you have this nagging frustration that the next one is going to turn out like the last one.
Take a step back.
When you've perceived this issue for this long, you're going to have a LJBF ("Let's Just Be Friends") vibe to you, no matter what you may think. For the longest time, I would sit there thinking, "But I'm not doing anything WRONG! I'm acting the way I know I should, but they're not responding!!" And I'd beat my head against the wall figuring that what I was told to do wasn't working for me. That I was such a loser at this game that I was the exception to the rule about getting women attracted.
It took a while for me to let go of that strange mix of frustration and hostility. No matter how long you've been perceiving this problem, there comes a time when you have to accept that the problem is only there because of BEHAVIOR. YOUR behavior.
Then you have to let go of the belief that there is something especially WRONG about you that keeps you from succeeding where others do. These tactics and strategies work because they form the foundation of a persuasive, charismatic, confident male that women are attracted to.
Now, given that there will always be some women who are not attracted to you for any number of reasons, going all the way back to the time they didn't get a kitty for their eighth birthday, you can still get more success with more women. You can't get EVERY woman, but you can always get MORE than you currently are.
It starts with that all-important attitude, or "vibe" if you will. This is not an instant cure-all, but it is an absolute MUST for any future successes.
Your confidence and cool demeanor is immediately sabotaged when you're thinking something differently underneath. You can't be James Bond AND thinking "Gosh, I hope I don't lose this fight with the evil henchman, or I'm screwed!" Any difference between what you believe and what you say is immediately broadcasted to a woman. You may not think so, but it is. You must be completely comfortable with yourself in a way that communicates itself to her.
I could hear the frustration in your words. Now, if I can pick up on that in your EMAIL, imagine what you're communicating in the tone and expression and body language you give to HER.
Have you ever watched a movie where you saw an actor saying his lines with ease, and even putting in a decent performance, but you KNEW deep down that he wasn't really into it? (I'm thinking Robert DeNiro in the last 10 years.) Sure, all the words were there, but you could see in their eyes that something just wasn't jiving between their acting and the role. They weren't CONVINCING.
This is what it's like when a guy is caught up in the focus of his frustration and need for results as opposed to going along with the process. It's a lot like when you're laying awake in bed, worrying over falling asleep, which keeps you from falling asleep. No matter how much you TRY, you have to let go of TRYING to actually fall asleep.
Remember a success: Think back to a time when everything seemed to fall into place. You were relaxed. You probably didn't even care if the gal was interested in you. You found the right things to say. Deep inside, you felt a calm SURENESS that helped you find the words and the actions. You were coming from an entirely different attitude, and that attitude conveyed your confidence in a way that cannot be verbalized.
As a side-note...
You guys should also know about the kiss test by now. There's no reason you should ever go for a kiss wondering if she'll return it. You must always know beforehand, and save yourself a lot of anguish later on. Use the test instead of waiting for your end-of-date surprise.
Keep in mind that unless there is an immediate chemistry between you and a woman, you'll start out in a neutral station with her. It's up to you to demonstrate the behaviors that PULL her in rather than letting her LJBF you.
Some of the things you must actively do:
- Tease her on occasion. This communicates a person who doesn't need a woman's approval.
- Find ways to affectionately touch her (covered thoroughly in the Kinesthetics part of the e-book.)
- Use emotionally charged language and excitement questions (covered in the Audio Coaching.)
- Use cocky, playful humor. MAKE HER LAUGH. This is probably the MOST important to do. Don't do this in self-deprecating ways, but find the humor around you and use it to make the conversation sparkle with FUN.
Use that as a starting checklist to go along with the pre-date checklist from Session 2. Make sure you're doing ALL of them - especially the humor. If you're not comfortable and having fun, a woman is not going to either. Sad to say, but most other people look to the people they're with to validate their own experiences. You must lead her to the fun she wants to have.
You're right; rapport isn't enough. That just gets some commonality going, but it doesn't start the charge of excitement and sexual tension between you. That's where you should target your effort.
There are a lot of things you're doing RIGHT, though. You're getting the numbers. You're getting the meetings. You're going for the inevitable conclusion - kiss or no kiss.
You're getting in the sandbox and getting dirty. That's 90% of the game. (Though, I realize it's not enough of a consolation.) Now you just have to improve your skills along the path, and find a way to relax and be comfortable with women as well.
Take a step back. Go out with women just to enjoy their company. Get back in the swing of being with other women for the sake of how you can make THEM feel. Get to the place where you don't want them to want you for more than friends, and lose that air of NEED. Only then will you find that zone where you can start to really practice the strategies and see results.
I would like to ask you a question too. I read lots of your stuff and i had to admit it that i have changed a bit since i started reading.
I admit it that i am still a bit shy but i progrest a lot and now i start not letting the girls play me, i try to play them. The problem is that i flirt with girls and put my spell on them but i don't know when it hits them, i mean how much does it work and if i can get to the next step. I'll tell you a propere example: I was in a disco Friday night with some friends having fun and at one moment an old girlfriend which i liked and haven't been to the disco from a long time came in and said hello. She said she will make a tour so she can see if she knows anyone else.
Surprisingly she came back and told me she didn't find anyone interesting and that she will stay with my group. So we danced and talked a lot. At the end she told me if i can go with her till the end of the street so she won't go alone and i did. We stopt there and talked some more. i asked her what happened that she came to the disco and she gave me some bulls*it.So i kissed her on the cheek as an old friend and left. My question is should i have tried to kiss her or not? Was she just tring to play me or not? How can i know for sure if a woman is ready for a kiss? Are there some signs or i should tell her something and i'll figure it out from the answer? Thanks a lot .
I need to start off by saying this: It's not about "playing" anyone. I do not condone manipulation of people for the sake of "playing" them. This isn't about lording power over women - it's about how to initiate their attraction (while building your own confidence) so that you can feel comfortable enough to go after the women you want.
There are a lot of guys who resent that women hold the keys to the secret desired chamber of the castle called "S - E - X." Some guys get angry and decide that they want to go out there and "play" women. (Some women play men for their own anger.)
To all of you who harbor this hidden frustration: GET OVER IT.
There, I'm stepping down off my soapbox. I hate getting off on a rant, but...
Wait, I actually do love getting off on rants. I just want everyone out there on the same page as far as the source of the attitude you must come from.
Now, as to your situation, the first thing I would have busted this girl on is coming over to me and saying that since she didn't find anyone "interesting" and that you should feel privileged for her presence. What an insult!
And you said, "Surprisingly." Why was it so surprising that she came back? Because you didn't think she'd lower herself? Check that belief system.
She stooped to hang out with you, so you got some interaction anyway. That's a start.
My answers to your questions, in order, are:
- Should you have tried to kiss her or not?
YES. What do you have to lose? Nothing. If you don't try, you don't get a kiss. If you do try, you'll either get a kiss, or not. What you're really fearful of is the rejection, and avoiding that possible outcome.
- Was she just tring to play you or not?
There's that "play" word again. I have no idea if she was trying to play you. Kiss her and find out.
- How can you know for sure if a woman is ready for a kiss? Are there some signs or I should tell her something and I'll figure it out from the answer?
What you're doing is trying to find some special, mystical way to avoid taking a risk. The only way to know if she wants to kiss you or not is to kiss her.
You're always going to have to risk in order to get a reward. It's easy to go out there and hope that you can avoid any possible rejection, but the man who does not put anything of himself on the line is not playing the game to win, but to NOT LOSE. And if you "play" it this way, you can never really win.
As for how to tell if a woman is ready for a kiss, I've got it covered in my e-book. Go here: http://www.datingdynamics.com
Download my e-book. Read it. And you'll really understand why there's no need to look for "signs." And I'll even tell you how to play the game so that rejection is not your fear.
With a little understanding, you can improve your confidence going into situations like this, and that ghoul of rejection will leave you alone. It ALWAYS loses its sting the more you face it and put it into proper perspective. Absolutely, guaranteed.
Which leads me to this: You know that women are getting more and more picky about men, and they can sniff out inferior guys with just a whiff of your confidence. And to stand out you MUST have the edge on the other guys out there. You need to be a REAL MAN, not this sissie-fied cartoon man that the media sells you.
My e-book gives you the information and skills to get the women YOU want. Not SETTLE FOR.
So, how do you NOT screw it up in those vital first couple minutes of meeting a woman?
You've heard me say this before: Getting laid is not about getting "lucky."
It's about having the right knowledge and understanding up front. Women are actually WAITING for men to date and sleep with, if you'll just give them the right reasons WHY they should be with YOU. It's deliberate and on-purpose, not subject to the whims of chance and fate.
BE the kind of man they are waiting for. That's all they ask of you.
I've worked for years to break down what it is that women are trying to tell you with their behavior, and finding out the hard way why being a "nice guy" is dooming you to failure.
You need this knowledge and understanding.
When you have that knowledge, you can make better choices and demonstrate better behaviors.
When you demonstrate better behavior, you will get better RESULTS.
My e-book -THE DATING BLACK BOOK- will help you get all of that ... and then some.
Just remember: Every man is self-made, but only the SUCCESSFUL admit it.
Where do you go for the information you need?
THE DATING BLACK BOOK has the complete breakdown of the dating scene, and it's ready for download right now, no matter where you are or what time it is in the world.
Carlos Xuma is a dating and seduction advisor, as well as a motivational and life counselor. He's the author of The Dating Black Book, Secrets of the Alpha Man, the Advanced Audio Coaching Series, and too many other articles to mention.
Each week, the Dating Dynamics newsletter gives advice to men across the world on topics related to dating, relationships, and sex. Carlos Xuma helps men get more confidence and success with women ... After all, every man has the right to a healthy dating life. Dating Dynamics provide advice, articles, books, audio, and all the resources a mand needs for success.
Carlos has also been a guest advisor and author on numerous sites and respected dating publications, such as:
- Maxim Radio
- Utopia Radio
- Bikini Hangout
- Seduction Insider
- Don Juan Center
- Dating Newsletter
- Single Again
- Cliff's List
- Dating Class
- The Dating Insider Book
- Man Mindset
- Summum Magazine
- Savvy Insider - the art of single living
- Carlos Xuma
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