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Dennis W. Neder
Real Social Dynamics
Meet people from all over the US interested in no-strings attached fun.
Do YOU Have Different Rules For Women?Here's an interesting question I was recently asked: are there different rules for women and men when it comes to the entire dating/sex/relationship game, and if so, what standards should women enjoy that men don't?
One of the reasons why women pull things like "the crying game" (NOT the movie - ewww!), The Test and other little relationship-manipulation techniques is simply because we men let them do it. We often know that they are doing it (or at least suspect) and we still allow it to go on! Frankly, nothing will cause a woman to lose respect for you quicker than for her to know you see it and still tolerate it.
As adults (and I'm assuming that you're only dating adults), it's completely reasonable for you or any man to expect the women in your lives to live up to being an adult. That means taking responsibility for one's one actions and for the outcome of events. We are not women's buddies, saviors or therapists. We have reasonable needs and expectations and just because those may differ from someone else's makes them no less valid.
If you want sex - fine!!! If she doesn't - fine!!! If she wants love - fine!!! If you don't - fine!!!
It's everyone's responsibility to step up to the plate and strive to get what they want while giving others what they want in return. Instead, what men often do is try to play both sides of the net. They want to get what they want, and to insure that the other person gets what they want too.
That's an honorable position, but in fact, it's futile. You can't do this adequately and by attempting to take responsibility for it, you're almost insuring that neither person gets what they want. Even worse, you're wasting huge amounts of your limited resources to get nowhere.
On the other end of the spectrum is the guy that women (and many men) complain about all the time - the user. He has absolutely no concern about anyone else and is solely focused only on his own needs. He is an emotional child. However, this doesn't describe most men; although you'd never know it by listening to some women! While being very visible through the contempt he earns, he's also pretty rare because he insures his own failure. Are there exceptions? Sure. There's the guy that continues to take and take and take, and simply because of some less-important aspect of his persona or life, others continue to give - to a point. Some celebrities are like this for instance. It's not because they are extraordinary people, but because they have an extraordinary job; that there's always someone else 'round the corner willing to give something more. Ultimately, these people burn out those around them and either wind up alone in obscurity, or fix their ego-problems and join the rest of us.
There is a reasonable balance, and it is this: be clear, specific and know what you want in your life and in your relationships with others. Strive to achieve it by learning ("earning") the tools you need to get it, and be responsible and accountable for your actions. Learn to use these tools well and efficiently to your own benefit and the benefit of those you deal with. The fact is; when you own something - you take better care of it. Do you take better care of a rental car or the one you buy with your own money? Of course, the one you buy, simply because you invested time, effort and skill in obtaining it. It's "worth" more and you treat it thusly.
At the same time recognize that nothing ever comes about in a vacuum. If you stay aware of what others want and help find ways for them to get it, (but NOT by trying to give it to them), you are far more likely to get your needs met at the same time.
You don't do this however by trying to do the work for others. They themselves have to earn it too, or the getting means nothing. You can't make women feel better about themselves, and by design, you can't make them feel worse either. These are choices that each of us make for ourselves. It's entirely reasonable for us to expect women to be and act like adults and to deal with situations - both good and bad - from the point of responsibility.
This is why you can't "buy your way into her pants" or "make her fall in love with you" or "will her to want you" or anything like that. Likewise, you can't make up for past hurts inflicted by others or fix the fact that her daddy didn't hug her enough. Only she can do this and you actually make her life better (and therefore your life too), by expecting her to do so.
Therein lies the key to true happiness in my humble.
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at email@example.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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