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Knowledge IS Power - When You Have It!

Dr. Neder,

I feel like I'm in a nose-dive trying to pull the nose of the plane up. In reality, I think it already crashed but I'm denying it.

My girlfriend and I had been together 3 years. We had our ups and downs and broke up once for a few weeks. In August of this year, I was going to propose to her when she told me she had cheated on me the night before. She told me I didn't deserve it, but that she was going to again that night. I broke up with her. Her fling last a few weeks.

We were at odds from August through October. I should also tell you that we are both under contract to sing with the with the city opera company through February, so we are working with each other almost every night. A few weeks ago, at a pre-determined time we got together to re-evaluate. I've been in love with her the whole time. We mutually decided to work, slowly and steadily, towards getting back together.

That was great for about 9 days when she suddenly cooled, said she felt trapped after talking about it with her counselor and wanted to only have contact at rehearsal. 2 days later she says she still loves me, but that one of the soloists from out of town asked her out. She accepted. I went out with my friends after rehearsal, and when I went home (we live next door to each other) I saw his car outside her front door --at 2:30am. The front window was open so I looked in to see her naked on top of him give him a bj! I knocked on the door until she came out and confronted her, she was defensive and told me to leave or she'd call the police.

We're not together, obviously, and I am trying to move on. But how the hell can I do it having to see her each night--now with him? I run into her, and him, and rehearsals each night, and then go home and it's the same. I feel trapped and surrounded. And at the same time she still says she loves me. She's acting like a whore and doing it front of the rest of the opera company, some of which ask me about it. The production we're doing right now is Pagliacci--if you're not familiar with it it's kind of the same story as what I just wrote. The guy she hooked up with is the character in the opera that splits up the other two....I'm living it and having to watch it. Last night I almost didn't think I was going to make it through rehearsal.

What are your thoughts? What can I do to help ease this?


How ironic. Actually, I'm a big opera fan from years back and Pagliacci is one of my favorites.

There have been a number of mistakes made here on your part, starting with the intent to propose. It's pretty obvious that she didn't see things the same way and in my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" I talk about how to know when to propose - and when not too. This was an obvious case of when not too.

Likewise, as soon as she flat-out told you her plan to sleep with someone else (and of course that it had already happened without your knowledge), you should have dumped her sorry ass right then, right there. Frankly, much of your pain now is simply because you haven't taken the initiative to do what you need to do in the first place. You even feel humiliation at being mistreated by her (perhaps rightfully so), only to try to hang on rather than making her own up to her responsibilities to you as her partner. You even went so far as to give her freedom to do whatever the hell she damn well pleases to do!

So, with that, let's talk about the recovery aspect.

First off, I hope to hell that you're not ever planning on taking this self-centered, using, cheating bitch back! If you are, you can just reading stop right here. There's nothing more I can do for you.

On the other hand, your healing will come from taking back control of your life and deciding that you will never give it up again to a woman. Putting that much faith in a woman seems like a romantic idea and in fact, so much of our popular culture and media depict this very act! How cute. The problem with it is that women are by far better at these things than men are. They spend their entire lives studying relationships and all their nuances. It seems chivalras to give them these freedoms until they use them against us as did your ex.

What I suggest you do is to first sit down and work through your relationship goals. Take that control back by crafting your future and how your relationships are going to work from now on. Decide exactly what you want, and in doing so, why this woman isn't worthy of your consideration. That will feel very good!

Then, set about crafting a plan to begin building those relationships! Don't worry or even consider her in any way. She's creating her own hell; you just don't have to be a part of it any longer. Get to work on all of this right now. If you need some help here, I strongly urge you to consult my books, as they will lead you right through the process.

This is a case where knowledge really IS power.

Best regards...

Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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