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Sexless Relationship, Missing Boyfriend

Dear Dennis,

I met this incredible guy 6 months ago. He and I have much in common; we both work two jobs and I have two small children. Needless to say, our time is limited. We have not had sex yet because, (mostly by his request), we wanted to really get to know each other first instead of confusing our feelings by being sexual too early. While it is not sexual, it is very intimate. When we were able to spend time together, it was wonderful...a movie, a quiet dinner, a day of shopping. We talked every day and we agreed that this was indeed a committed relationship.

I ran into a former colleague that used to be interested in me. He asked me for a business card. For a week, I talked to him on the phone but I did tell him that I was involved. He asked was there anyway we could try dating since we were never able to before -- I told him no. The next day, he sent a video saying how he felt. He blew kisses and said that he wanted a chance with me. He also referenced something that we discussed in a previous conversation. My boyfriend saw the video and now he is very angry. He feels that I lied to him because he said that I did not tell him about the brief conversations. He also asked me if the 'former colleague' asked if I was sleeping with my boyfriend. I was honest and told him that I did reveal that out relationship at this point was non-sexual.

Now, my boyfriend has not said ten words to me in two weeks. He said that he was angry that I would converse with someone else extensively and also tell private details of our relationship. I asked him if we were over and he said, "just relax". I have called, crying and begging; I've emailed, and text-messaged him. He won't respond. He just says "relax" or "I'm busy" or "I'll talk to you when I am ready", etc.

Help! Did I mess up? Am I losing him? Is he overreacting? Are my persistent efforts proving to him how much I love him or are they pushing him away? I want what we had (and the potential of what we were building) -- how can I get him back?

Thanks for helping,

You've got a number of problems here - not just with him not speaking to you!

Let me start by talking about your non-sexual relationship. This always causes me GREAT concern. So, what do you really have here? A very close friendship - nothing more! Sex is an important part of any HEALTHY relationship. I have deep concerns with the real facts behind being together for 6 months and not being sexual beings. In other words, you and he have just put that part of yourselves aside. While you may hear (or even believe) that "...sex isn't the most important part of a relationship..." it's in the top three!

This is a severe issue made even more severe by the fact that HE initiated it! Let me tell you how men think: unlike you (as a woman) who uses sex to create bonding, intimacy and closeness, men use sex initially to determine IF THEY WANT TO create bonding, intimacy and closeness! Do you see what's going on here? He's actually preventing himself from attaching to you by avoiding sex! To say this isn't healthy is just a small part of the reality. You have much bigger problems here than just being horny.

Because of the fact that your relationship isn't stable, he has no right to demand (or even to expect) you to not be dating anyone else. He hasn't "given himself" to you emotionally. I don't care what you think is going on, I'm telling you the facts from a man's point of view - and trust me, I talk to men every single day about these things. This isn't just one man's opinion.

If he'd written to me instead of you, I'd have given him this advice:

"Stop being a pussy and take some friggin' responsibility for yourself and this "relationship"! If you want something with her, then make it happen. Otherwise, get the hell out of the way and let her go find what she wants."

Since you've written to me, I suggest you tell him this:

"I'm over being punished for this. You need to stand up and be a man and get this worked out. If you can't do that, fine. I'll take that as your blessing to start dating my friend from work - or any other man I choose."

"You have every responsibility to be active and involved in this relationship and to get over your own hurt feelings. Nothing happened here except some conversation between old friends. I've brought this out in the open for you to deal with and you've dealt with it poorly. It's time to grow up."

This comes down to a issue of respect. Did you treat your relationship with "respect" by turning down your friend? Yes, you did. Did you treat your boyfriend with "respect" by telling him what was going on? Yes, you did. Do you owe something to him beyond what he's willing to give you? No, you do not. As I mentioned before, he's withholding himself from you emotionally.

Is he now treating you and your relationship with the "respect" you deserve? I don't think so. That should be the foundation of where you go from here.

I also think this is a good time to start re-evaluating your non-sexual relationship. Is this really the relationship you've always dreamed of having? I can't imagine that if so! Either way, let me assure you that he doesn't think this is. No man would put himself into a non-sexual relationship unless he has a good reason. Wanting to "take is slow" with your relationship is NOT a "good reason".

Best regards...

Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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