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The Big "O"

Dear Dr. Neder,

I'm a woman, wondering about having an orgasm.

How do you actually know if you're having one? How do you know if you're at your climax point of being stimulated if you've never had one before? When do you know you can't go any higher?

Thanks for all your help.


As I'm sure you probably know, there are many women that have never had an orgasm. It seems unfair to me that some women can climax many, many times, and others have never had a single one!

The climax is actually an important physiological function! It helps to stimulate the nervous system and actually opens up communication channels within the body. It causes hormone production; it relieves stress and actually reduces pain due to its endorphin-releasing effect. In short the orgasm is very important!

So, how do you know if you've ever cum? If you're not sure, you probably haven't. It's not that you can pinpoint very specific sensations or feelings as different women often report different things. Some say that their climaxes are huge physical and emotional explosions and others say that they feel like electric waves washing through their bodies. Still others say it is just a "profound sense of well-being". It's no wonder there is such confusion about the female climax!

The first question to ask is: do you masturbate? Almost everyone does and it's an important aspect to a person's sexuality, but a few women (and even fewer men) don't. That is a big mistake because if you don't understand your own sexual response, how will anyone else? Further, how will you learn to communicate to someone what you need to reach climax, and when you've actually done it? Let's face it, there isn't a big red flag on your ass that goes up when you cum! So, if you don't masturbate yet, that's the first place to start. I won't go into all of the technique or issues around masturbating here as it's outside your particular question.

Next, if you do masturbate, what do you get from it? Is it just a sense of relief or relaxation, or is it a private place where you can explore fantasies? This is another critical key to understanding your own sexual response. Fantasies are rich and powerful ways to understand yourself. They have no other equal.

As far as being able to "turn it up" - that is, to increase the sensation and benefit of an orgasm, you first have to understand what in yourself produces them. You see, even when you're with a partner, your orgasm is something YOU create - not that someone else gives you! Once you understand this, and when you learn to manage your own sexual response, then you can begin to explore what things make them grow.

Many women find that vocalizing helps to improve their orgasms. Others find that breathing, (or not breathing!) makes it better. Some find that certain positions stimulate them in ways that produces better orgasms, or that certain kinds of sex (like oral sex) makes it work. Still others find that certain kinds of muscular tension improve the sensation. Every woman is different!

I actually have been with women that were non-orgasmic when I met them and became easily orgasmic once they began to understand their own sexual responses. I'm not bragging here - these women did this themselves - I only provided a loving, caring, accepting environment in which they could explore these things without guilt! Some of these women can even climax at will - just from being hugged or kissed for instance!

So, you have everything in you right now to take your own sexuality anywhere you want it to go. All you have to do is to open yourself up to the possibilities and start to discover what about you makes you go "Ohhhhhh!"

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis Neder

Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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