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Dennis W. Neder
Real Social Dynamics
Meet people from all over the US interested in no-strings attached fun.
The Harsh RealityDr Neder,
I read on a website that you try to answer your email and I'm begging for some of your expert advice please. I am in serous need of some help because a girl I had really strong feelings for and with whom I've had a very close relationship and I have just had a crisis.
About 1 1/2 years ago, I met a very cute and sweet 28 year old girl (Iím in my 50ís) and we began conversations, went on a few "dates" and began a relationship that has lasted until the day before yesterday. This relationship was carried on about twice a week for a few hours each time and included, as of late, some very intimate times, but not actual regular sex; lots of kissing, touching and rubbing, but never naked - we always wear underwear. When ever we are together she has the power to make me feel as if I am the only other person on the planet. She is incredibly intense and very physical and makes sure to be in physical contact with me all the time we are together. If we go out to dinner, she wraps an arm or leg with me for the whole time we are at the table and never lets go of me.
My girlfriend is in a 7 year committed relationship with a real loser. He mentally abuses her and hasn't had a job for 2 years and she just calls him "a work in progress" and apparently loves him very much. He has a felony conviction for cocaine possession and served 5 years. She works long hours and brings home the money and he buys pot with it. He thinks I am just a good friend to her and doesn't know that she loves me and I love her.
At first she spelled out a ton of rules about things she wouldn't or couldn't do with and for me and has, over time, systematically broken every one of them. I have never pressured her for actual sex, because I know it would make her very uncomfortable and I'm actually very happy with the high level of physical intimacy that we do have. One time she told me that she kisses me more often than her boyfriend. It seemed to bother her a little but not enough to decrease it any.
Now, because her life is very complicated, I have been extremely patient and generous with my time and money and have solved a number of crisis' for her. I have always been kind and gentle with her and I am of a non-violent and non-threatening nature. She says many times that when she is with me she feels totally "safe" and it's what attracted her to me in the first place. I recently drove 100 miles to rescue her, her boyfriend, his kid, her kid (both of which usually live out of state, but were here for the summer) and their dog from a campground at a local lake when their car blew up on the boat ramp. I then loaned her a $1000 to fix the car so she could get to work. On average I give her about $1100 a month to help her out and to compensate her for the time she spends with me as she usually blows off work to see me and isn't getting paid.
So here's the problem (as if there aren't enough problems already?) As I told you, I usually see her about twice a week. Sometimes, we have a date scheduled and something in her life makes her very late or not show up at all. She rarely calls me to say she can't make it and let's me hang for days before calling to make a new date. I can't call her because the boyfriend would get suspicious if I called her at home and she can't receive calls at work. When she does call, she often calls from work. Even when nothing is going wrong she makes me wait one to three hours past the time she said she'd be there. Often she shows up and says she had to run a few errands or make dinner or take a shower, all stuff that she could have planned better.
Anyhow, she went on a 10 day trip without him (to take her kid back "home" to his father, who has custody) this last 2 weeks and I begged her to call me while she was gone so we could stay in touch. This has happened many times before. She never calls. Each time I have tried to tell her how much it hurts me to be taken so for granted and treated so casually. Of course she didn't call and I got totally blown out. She knows I will always be there for her when she gets back so, apparently, I'm just not important enough to think about when I'm not there. So, after numerous broken dates and no calls and very little apology, when I saw her two days ago, I told her that I just couldn't take the stress of feeling like she never thinks of me when we are not together. She had no trouble calling me when she was in trouble, but has never called or emailed just to say she was thinking of me. So I told her that I couldn't see her any more.
The genuine joy and euphoria I feel when we are together are outweighed by the pain of her making it obvious that she just doesn't have the depth of feeling for me that I have for her. So I chose to end it and take the terrible pain all at once rather than die a little each time she blows me off. Now, I am so miserable, I just want to cry all day. I miss her terribly and don't know what to do.
When I broke up with her, she was very upset and both of us cried and it was very emotional but she never said anything to indicate that she wanted to fight for me. So now I wish I hadn't done it, but it's too late. She said she'd pay me the $1000 as soon as she could, but I don't hold out much hope for anything.
Sorry this was so long, I know you are busy, but this is the first love crisis I've had in 35 years and I'm a little out of practice. I just don't know how to cope with it.
First, let me tell you this: I've heard this story - and been through it with many friends myself - many, many times. I know exactly what you're going through and even exactly how you feel. I'm going to help you here the best I can via email, but I strongly urge you to consider some personal coaching time as there's far more involved here than I can give you via email. You can get information on coaching from my website at: http://beingaman.com.
Now, here are the facts that you're going to have to come to grips with:
1) This woman is a prostitute. That is what she is and what she does. Just because she only has one "client" (you) makes no difference.
2) This woman does NOT love you like you love her, and yes, I noticed how you avoided using that term.
3) The only reason that she spends any time with you is because you pay her and solve her problems for her.
4) She doesn't really give a shit about you, your life, your situation - only as far as how it affects her getting your money and support.
5) I don't care what she tells you or "shows" you or anything else. These points are exactly spot-on and you're going to have to come to grips with them.
Tom, I know you don't want to hear any of this, but let me be absolutely frank here: you've been used, taken, had. The feelings that you have for her are absolutely NOT returned to you in any way. Until you wake up and get out of this love-induced cloud you're in, you're never going to get through this and heal. Trust me on this - I know what I'm talking about.
The minute you dumped her, she began thinking about the next guy she could seduce in order to keep her income going. This is a business to her - that's all. She feels NOTHING, NADA, ZIP. You are bearing the brunt of all of this by yourself - she's already over you.
My brother, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is the time you need to hear these things. This is the very first step on getting healthy again, and believe me: you are anything but healthy right now. You'll get there, but learning to accept these facts 100% is the very first step.
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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