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Dennis W. Neder
Real Social Dynamics
Meet people from all over the US interested in no-strings attached fun.
The Sexless, Passionless LifestyleHi there,
I ran across some articles that you wrote, and found on Remington Publications online and looked at the book, 'Being a Man in a Woman's World.' I have not as yet read your book but I am so interested in it that I am planning to purchase it today.
I am a 24-year-old virgin. I have chosen this for myself because I have not been able to find 'the one' person that is compatible with me as yet. And also then I still plan on waiting till I get married to have sex. Also I do not think that teasing a man is good, or turning him on just to let him down. So I do not engage in kissing, rubbing up on someone etc. My question for you is. When is it a good time to let men know about my ideals? I have been telling them straight up what I'm about. But this has lead to me being single so long. I need advice in this, because I'm confused in how to handle this now.
Secondly I have had only one boyfriend. This was when I was younger about 15-16 years old age. He respected my wishes and me. I was insecure about our relationship. I wondered why he was dating me when there were so many other beautiful women out there. So when a 'friend' told me he was cheating on me I believed her. Needless to say, It was a bad decision on my part. I have not stopped thinking about him. We lost touch when I cane off to college. But I have never stopped thinking about him.
What should I do? Please help me decide.
Since you've written to me for my opinion, let me offer it: you are wrong, wrong, wrong about all of this! If you ever have another boyfriend with that attitude, you'd better consider yourself the luckiest woman on the planet! As to when you should tell someone about this decision, I think it should be within the first paragraph of meeting him!
I don't personally know of any man that would ever allow himself to enter into such a "relationship" and frankly, I often advise men to NOT do so! It is a very unhealthy, risky thing to do. If you've chosen this lifestyle, fine, but please don't expect another human being to "respect" you for it. It's just foolish.
Why do I say this? Simple. You have absolutely NO skills, because you've avoided learning them. What are you going to use to keep your husband "happy" in this fantasy relationship you imagine? Of all the things you need to learn, sexual/physical capability is among the most important! Believe me on this one! I don't know of any guy that is worthwhile that would accept such a ridiculous situation. You may find him, but I've never seen one.
So, you may find some guy that would tolerate a sexless, passionless, premarital relationship with you, but frankly, what are you telling him? Only one thing: he'd better expect a sexless, passionless marriage too. Now, don't write to me telling me that isn't the case, because frankly, you don't know! You don't have any experience to say either way. I have the experiences of my own highly sexual life, along with over 5,700 letters in the last few years!
If this is a religious decision, I strongly urge you to join a convent. This is the only practical way in which I believe you can have what you want. You can completely avoid sex, physicalness, passion, etc., and have a "marriage" with God instead.
Barring that, I think you'd better expect to be alone the rest of your life, but know that at least you stuck by your beliefs. Personally, I wish much, much better for you than this because I think you deserve it.
Dr. Dennis Neder
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at email@example.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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