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Too Shy To Try

Hey Doctor Dennis:

I saw your recent article on the web, and I figured I would write to you for advice on my situation.

First, I'm in high school. I'm a pretty damn shy guy even though I'm damn smart and a good athlete. Most of my male friends thrive in this environment, and a few are in committed long-term relationships. I am left out of this whole scene for the most part.

Most of the girls consider me a nice guy, but none of them ever talk to me. I'd be perfectly happy to have some female companionship once in a while if I could find my way farther once in a while, but I can't.

The reason for this is that I am too shy to ever talk to any of them. If they ever come over to talk to me, things go better (though still not as well as I'd like), or if I get the opportunity to talk with them over the phone or through the 'net, I'm good to go. I'm funny and charming, but put a girl in front of me and it's a case of "so close, and yet so far."

Any advice you have got for me; bearing in mind my age, would be much appreciated Doc.


Considering your age, I think you're right on the mark about getting all of this solved now! Many of the "shy" guys that write to me are often in their 20's, 30's, 40's and even much older. Why go through that much life without getting what you want? Being "shy" is going to prevent you from getting what you want if you don't get it straightened out.

First, let's get past this myth about shyness - it's not a real problem, it's only an excuse. Everyone has some issue with shyness at some point in their lives - you, your buddies, and everyone else. The difference between you and them - or anyone else that is "shy" is that you use it as an excuse to not do what you have to do. Don't forget that point. Being shy is not an affliction, it's a choice.

Second, you're not going to get many women to approach you, and you're going to have to learn to approach women yourself, in person. That is the way the game is played and it's not going to change just for you - trust me on this one. Thus, I want you to realize that from this very moment onward, you are going to be working to change the way you think. Stop choosing shyness as your excuse for not having what you want in your life.

Third, as soon as you start learning basic skills about dealing with people in person, you're going to find that the shyness just goes away on it's own! Sure, you might feel occasional shyness, but you'll find that it is so minor that it doesn't really even bother you. What was a huge impact in your life at one time will soon become just a minor irritation that you can completely control any time you want to.

The key to all of this is:

1) Education - get yourself educated about how to approach women, how to hold conversations, how to be funny (just like you already are on the phone or on the Internet), and especially, how to "close" to get what you want. Know that women are just as interested in meeting you as you are in meeting them!

2) Practice

Why is this all that's required? Because when you know what to do and how to do it, you'll find that you are confident and believe in yourself. Further as you practice these skills your internal dialog (how you talk to yourself) will change. You'll start thinking, "Wow, I can go meet that little cutie over there in the corner and get her number right now" instead of "Man, I can't talk to her - what if I blow it?"

The last point is also a simple one: get started right now! Don't waste another day on bad choices like being shy! If you don't do something today, tomorrow will be exactly the same. If you don't do something this week, next week will be the very same. If you don't change this year... I think you get the point.

How do you get started? First, I strongly urge you to get educated about women and this entire dating game by reading "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". These are going to give you the tools you need for the rest of your life. Second, I suggest that you start working on your skills. Start learning to make eye contact with everyone. Learn to say "hello" to people (especially beautiful women!) and do it very single time you get the opportunity. No excuses here - it's time to stop choosing shyness as your excuse.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis Neder

Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2005, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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