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Did Jude Flip Out When Siena Dumped Him?

Doc Love
New Article Every Thursday

Dear Doc,

I am writing in desperation. I bought your book quite a while back and with success landed the woman of my dreams. I met Antonia and at first I wasn't that into her, but there were a few things that I loved. We went out for two and a half years, and she expressed many times that she wanted to marry me. I never had to chase her, and I kept blowing off the idea of marriage. I loved her but wasn't in love with her. But I knew she would make a great wife.

Well, Antonia unexpectedly dumped me recently. For the first week after it happened, I was okay. But when I saw her on Match.com I lost it. It dawned on me then that it was real. I flipped out and called her at 2:30 a.m. She said that she went on there to prove to herself that she wasn't ready for dating. (Yes.) And that she got an e-mail from someone and it made her sick to her stomach and she almost threw up, etc. I believe that she was speaking with true conviction.

Antonia asked me not to call her because she needed time. So the next day I called again, and she got irritated because she said she needed space. I e-mailed her then and she wrote back and said not to e-mail her anymore. Her exact words were, "What I need is TIME. How much time, I don't know."

This led me to believe there is hope for us getting back together. I wrote back again and told her how much I loved her and wanted to marry her.

A week went by and I noticed that she was still on Match.com but her picture had been changed. The new one made her look sexier. I lost it again and called her. She said she tried to take the picture off but couldn't.

Doc, I know it's a lie now. She said she is so angry with me that she can't stand to be in the same room with me. She also said that when she got the e-mail message from me where I said I wanted to marry her that she cried all day.

Doc, I want to bring a ring over to Antonia's house, get down on one knee and propose to her. I love her to death and want to marry her.

I feel that Antonia has someone in her ear telling her to forget me. I can't eat or sleep and have lost 10 pounds. I don't know what to do and realize I ruined the best thing in the world. I need to prove to Antonia that I am changed but she won't speak to me. But I think she still loves me.

I know this isn't much to go on, but any advice would be appreciated. After two and a half years I am not sure if the principles of "The System" apply here.

Marty - who hopes he can turn it around

Hi Marty,

What do you mean you weren't "that into" Antonia? Why was that? You've got problems right out of the gate here. You're talking about marriage to the girl of your dreams, and you weren't that interested in her? It's a contradiction in terms. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "You're worse than those babes when they talk Womanese!"

If you weren't in love with Antonia, why the heck were you wasting your time? It's not that your Interest Level was low, man -- you actually didn't have an Interest Level. Antonia wouldn't make you a great wife. Because after a while she'd come to realize that the man she married wasn't in love with her. But don't worry about her. I'm sure she'll make a great wife – for somebody else.

To you Psych majors, when you get dumped it's ALWAYS unexpected. The guy never sees it coming. He doesn't have a clue.

Well, then you went and "flipped out" and called the poor girl at 2:30 in the morning. Why didn't you make it 4 a.m. and get her really riled up so she never spoke to you again? I see that you're really practicing my premier virtues of Self-Control and Discipline here, guy.

Hm, Antonia went on Match.com to prove she wasn't ready for dating…and you bought it. Now just listen to that impeccable line of logic she served up: the reason a person joins an online dating service is to prove she's not ready for dating. Huh? Did I miss something here? The statement makes no sense whatsoever and contradicts itself. And you were so gullible, Marty, so desperate for love, that you bought it.

But, she goes on to explain; the experience was so nauseating it made her want to barf. Okay, so there are jerks on the Internet. And there are psycho women on the internet, too. This is what I call a "camouflage" tactic. Antonia's talking about nothing that has anything whatsoever to do with you and her. And yet she's trying to make it appear that way.

Of course she was speaking with true conviction – there are creeps on the Internet. But you're trying to infer somehow that her bad experience makes your situation better. The bad news is that her meeting a sleazoid on the web doesn't raise her Interest Level in you. It's too late for that.

Antonia doesn't need a little time away from you, Marty – she needs Eternity. The tells you to disappear, and what do you go and do? Like 90% of the guys out there you think with your EGO, you think with your high INTEREST LEVEL, and you think with your PRIDE. And guess what? You're going to lower her Interest Level even more by your out-of-control actions.

Instead of protesting that she needs space, Antonia should have said she was going off to Australia to get married and live in the outback. Then maybe you'd get the drift. Like my cousin Doctor Freud says, "What's this little girl have to say before you finally pick up the hint?" But as always, guys, if you don't want to get hurt, lead with your chin!

Nevertheless, you insist there's hope for the two of you getting back together. Sure, there is. And Saddam's going to reclaim the presidency of Iraq, too. You're the kind of guy who probably goes out to his backyard and tries to shoot the moon with a BB gun. I got news for you -- your odds of pulling that off would be better than getting Antonia back.

But you went ahead and told her you wanted to marry her. Great! You want to marry a girl who wants space and time. Makes perfectly good sense to me!

The incident of the second photo on Match.com is another side issue, a smokescreen. You're getting sidetracked on nothing that counts, Marty. It's got nothing to do with anything, except to drive you even crazier now that you don't have Antonia anymore. You should have noticed how sexy she was about two and a half years ago.

Now she can't stand to be in the same room with you. Hey, that's exactly the kind of girl you want to marry! Know why she cried? It was from joy, because she was so ecstatic that she didn't marry you! But like 90% of all men, you clutch at straws. If you think you hear one half-promising word in 10 minutes of being put down, you say "Ah-ha! I can tell she's just hiding her Interest Level!"

Marty, you only want to marry Antonia now because she rejected you. Her rebuff doubled your low Interest Level. Rejection is the ultimate challenge. Now you can't see straight. You went out with this girl for two and half years and you didn't even like her. Now you're ready to give her a ring? Are you sure you read my book?

Of course Antonia has someone in her ear telling her to forget you. She's a good-looking girl -- there are probably 10 guys chasing after her. But so what? They can't knock down her Interest Level in you. Only you can -- by calling her and crying in the middle of the night.

Yeah, it sounds to me like Antonia digs you a lot, Marty. She must, judging from the way she tells you to get lost. And don't worry about what you gave me to go on – it's more than enough.

The principles of "The System" apply here, dude, but you didn't use them, and that's your problem.

Remember, guys: once she uses the word "space," you're dead in the water.


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