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Dennis W. Neder
Real Social Dynamics
Meet people from all over the US interested in no-strings attached fun.
Does Colin Farrell Ever Have To Get Rid Of Her Guy Friends?
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I think your stuff is foolproof and provides a fascinating view into the constant chess game being played between the sexes.
Here's my situation. I'm 20 and I think I've found my soulmate. I don't fall in love easy, but I can honestly say I'm in love with my girlfriend of six months, Shakira. She's also 20, is gorgeous, innocent, super-affectionate, and acts like one of the guys. I've been with many women and I've never been happier than I am with her. I am her first major beau. She's confessed her love to me and talks a lot about marriage.
Now, being one of the guys is great. I love it that Shakira isn't a girly-girl. But the vast majority of her friends are guys, and that's the problem. I have major trust issues with women. However, I do trust Shakira because I've tested her many times by showing up unexpectedly when she's out with these guy friends. But this group of guys drives me up the wall. I believe they are shady characters and I've told Shakira that they aren't to be trusted. I remember hanging out with hot chicks who had boyfriends just to try and woo them away, and I know for a fact that at least two of these guy friends have asked Shakira out in the past before we started dating, another one tried to steal my girlfriend's sister away from her husband, and the other friend is her ex, who I've already had words with because he made a very sorry attempt to try and get Shakira back while I was away at school. (She rebuffed him, by the way.)
Guys, unless they're gay, don't keep hot chicks around just to be friends. Since they're shady, who knows what, given the opportunity, these guys might do?
Our relationship now seems to be teetering on this one issue. I want Shakira to dump all of these losers. She makes it an issue by saying, "You can't tell me who I can and cannot hang out with." She thinks I was too rough on her ex when I confronted him, so she tries to keep me and the guy friends apart as much as possible because she thinks I'm going to bully them, too.
Doc, I don't know what to do. I'm frustrated because it looks like
this one issue could dissolve this otherwise great relationship. How should I handle these shady friends that probably secretly love Shakira?
Do I tell her to choose between them and me? Do I tell them politely to lay off? It seems however I try to work it out it causes a fight. I'd appreciate your expert insight.
Jermaine - who's all out of ideas
You're dead right about the relations between the sexes being a tricky chess game, because it involves strategies and tactics and maneuvering. And do you know why it's like that? Because the Reality Factor says that romantic love is all about POWER -- or at least a big, big part of it is.
Jermaine, right off the bat you and Shakira have a problem. Both of you are only 20. And you know what I always say about 18- to 22-year-olds (especially the girls): you're not grown up yet. But you will be. I just hope you're staying a constant Challenge to this girl. Because like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "A Beautiful Woman who's only 20 never has to wear make-up." And like my other cousin Fast Eddie Love puts it, "A ‘10' is always trouble." You've got to be completely schooled in my techniques to have even a remote chance of survival.
That said, it's great that Shakira confessed her love to you and that she brings up the subject of marriage -- as long as you keep in mind that she's just a baby.
But wait a minute here, Jermaine. You're only 20 and you've already had tons of women? Maybe you're the first guy ever who doesn't need the Dating Dictionary.
But I don't believe that for a minute. Because by your own admission you have major trust issues with women, which means you weren't all that successful with the ones who came before Shakira, either.
Now what do I always tell you guys? Keep it light, keep it funny, no heavy subjects, no negatives, no put-downs. Your girl has done everything right. She's never given you a red flag. So what do you do? You get all uptight on account of your hang-ups. You decide to show her how shaky your confidence is. You demonstrate how insecure you are. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, "My friend, you still have trust issues."
When you sneak around and check on Shakira, do you figure there's any chance she's thinking how weak you are for spying on her? Any chance her Interest Level drops a few points because she knows you're not sure of yourself or her, even though the guy friends she hangs out with don't have a chance with her?
Dog, you're making a big, big mistake by fretting over these guys. Instead, you should be building them up! You should have told your girl, "I'm glad you're hanging out with these boys. There's no reason for me to be all-uptight about it. Honey, you wanna go out with a hundred guys, you go on and play with them! Be my guest! And have a good time!"
But you're doing the exact opposite. You're trying to control this babe. Let's face it – you're not going to be able keep her on a leash. As Doctor Freud once said, "It's a delusion for a guy to think he's ever going to tell a woman what to do." That's why when you're dealing with a female, you've always got to be shrewd and take an oblique shot. You've got to attack from your flank position instead of the front line. Like my cousin General Love warns, "Never go straight at her, soldier. She'll slaughter you!"
Naturally all kinds of guys are pressuring Shakira to go out – look at her, for God's sake! She's gorgeous! Why wouldn't they ask her out? Your problem, Jermaine is that you're so insecure. But since Shakira's Interest Level is in the nineties, there's no reason for you to be so unconfident. So what's wrong with you? Are you sure you've read my materials?
You have to realize that guys are bird dogs, even your friends. To you Psych majors, they're always going to try to steal your girl, especially when she looks like Beyonce. There are very few guys who'll be loyal when it comes to your squeeze -- very, very few. They'll always try and rip you off. But if Shakira has already told her ex to get lost, why are you telling him to get lost?
As I said earlier, your little girl is 20 and hasn't completely grown up yet. So let these other dudes show their true colors over the long haul, and if they don't behave themselves and she goes for it, then you have to realize she prefers guys who've done a couple years in Rikers Island over you. But not yet.
What should you do? Say, "Shakira -- you know, I was thinking about it, and I can't tell you who to run around with. But if you want to see your guy pals, it's fine with me. They're not my cup of tea, but they're good guys – you go ahead and hang out with them."
And then keep your mouth shut and go talk to a shrink!
Shakira's 200% right that you can't tell her who to hang out with. And you were too rough on her ex; she was on target on that one too. With every single thing you're doing, man, you're lowering Interest Level. You should be out having a beer with your rivals (without having Shakira along) and being their pal. Remember what Michael Corleone said in The Godfather: "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."
Sadly, Jermaine, this one issue will end up dissolving your beautiful relationship unless you get a grip. And it's all your fault. Shakira's a Beautiful Woman, she's 20 years young, and I don't care if it's one guy or 50 guys, they're always going to be hustling her because of her looks. You love her, right? Well, why wouldn't they love her? Heck, I haven't even met her and I love her!
But she's got 95% Interest Level in you, and that's the one weapon you have in your arsenal.
Don't make her choose between you and them. Do nothing. Just put on a happy face and bite your tongue. And don't order these characters to lay off – because they're not going to do it. They're not going to pay any attention to you at all! You're at the bottom of the totem pole in this game.
Instead, go back to my book and learn to practice SELF-CONTROL, PATIENCE, and DISCIPLINE.
Remember, guys: unless it raises her Interest Level, she doesn't want to hear it.
DOC LOVE IS THE FIRST MAN IN 6000 YEARS TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN
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