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Dennis W. Neder
Real Social Dynamics
Meet people from all over the US interested in no-strings attached fun.
How Does Hef Keep Them From Coming On Too Heavy?
New Article Every Thursday
First of all, thank you for all the great advice! I recently purchased your Dating Dictionary. "The System" has helped me more than I could even have hoped. But I hope you can help me more now.
I've been following your guidelines strictly with the girls I date. Their Interest Levels are above 50% or higher. But whenever I've succeeded in getting past the first three dates, something happens. After about two months of dating them, they start saying "I love you," or "I feel like I've known you forever."
Which might sound great, but how can someone "love" you after just two months of knowing you? And the worst thing is that they expect me to say, "I love you" in return, or to become further committed to them. At this level, I've already asked them not to date anyone else (they all agreed). But to me, that's entirely different from what they expect: they e-mail or text- message me several times a day (expecting a response for every single message, of course), expect me to call them every single day, etc. I don't acquiesce to their demands, however.
I've told all these girls the same thing, which is that a two-month "love" is still too fragile for me to blindly dive into something deeper, and that I'm not comfortable with all this smothering from them, either. By the way, I never let these discussions get heated up (I keep it light and funny).
The result? They have accused of me of being "emotionally unavailable." They cry and try to convince me to say the "L" word. They accuse of me of being unfair. Finally, they start "advising" me: with the next girl in my life I shouldn't come on "strong and heavy" at first, only to take it away from them after a few weeks. Finally, tired of all the drama, I break up with them. Or they break up (angry and hurt, naturally – or so they claim) with me.
Doc, I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable. I try to see my girl once a week, show her through my actions that I care and that I'm having a great time with her. So what am I doing wrong? Or am I under some curse and just meeting emotionally unhealthy women? I don't know if it matters, but I'm a foreigner (I moved to the U.S. three years ago) and each one of these girls has been the all-American blonde. And they've been single (which to me should translate into "very little baggage"). They've been all kinds of women, too, from teachers to doctors. Their ages are 20s to early 30s (I'm 32).
I would like to continue dating a girl longer than two to three months, without her becoming too demanding or smothering me. Is that possible?
Jiri - who's baffled by American girls
I want to thank you very much for investing in your future. You arrived at the realization that when it comes to love, it's a jungle out there and you need all the coaching you can get. And of course that's where I come in.
Pal, these girls are leaning heavy on you because they're falling in love with you. So you're looking at a positive development as a negative. As I've told you guys so many times, my techniques make you dangerous. Give me nine or 10 dates, two or three months, and you see the results, the numbers are there. Jiri, you got this strong response from women because you did almost everything right.
You hit it right on the head that a woman can't really love you after so short a time. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "She's in the ‘heat' stage. Give her a little more time." And in the heat stage she's saying to you that as long as you keep doing everything right from here on out, she'll stay with you for the rest of your life.
So when she starts hinting that the two of you were husband and wife in a previous incarnation, tell her: "The reason I dropped my last three girlfriends is because they pressured me, and I think that true love takes a long time to develop. I'm real happy that we both like each other so much, but we only have two and a half months in. We have at least another 10 months to go. And as far as the ‘I love you's' go, let's go down to the pet shop and we'll get you one of those talking parrots."
So, Jiri, why in the world are you asking these girls not to date anyone else? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "My son, why are you wasting time selling her when she's already sold?" They should be telling you that they don't want to date anyone else. So why are you giving them orders? Why ask a babe with 95% Interest Level to be faithful? Like Doctor Freud would say, "It's repetitive redundancy!"
When she starts with the text messages and phone calls, just tell her "Honey, it's nice to hear from you, but save it for our next date." And don't cave in to her desire to respond. You might not be acquiescing to their demands, dude, but you're taking this way too much to heart. To you Psych majors, never take women personally.
And why are you talking heavy with these girls at all? Debating with them over why you can't plunge into a deep pool of love with them is way, way too much. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "Just keep your mouth shut and go out with as many of them as you can!" Let them blab their guts out. You don't have to come back with anything. Just sit there and smile, and when they're done yakking, give them a kiss. It always works, I guarantee it.
But you're still not comfortable with all the smothering. You know what my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, don't you? "Yo, dog, you better get used to it!" Because you're using Challenge. THIS IS WHAT CHALLENGE DOES TO WOMEN. This is the whole idea of being a Challenge. Again, you Psych majors, we want these girls blabbering on like this, telling you how much they love you even though they hardly know you.
You might think you're keeping it light and funny, man, but you're not. You're contradicting yourself. Entering into protracted debates about love and binding commitments on any serious level is not light and it's not funny.
When these girls accuse you of being emotionally unavailable, what you're really hearing is a manifestation of low Self-Esteem on their part. To you shrinks out there, excuse me for stealing your podium for a moment, but a clinically sane, emotionally balanced woman would just let the whole thing ride. She'd say to herself, "This guy's a cool customer. It's very attractive. I'm totally impressed." But a woman with low Self-Esteem? Uh-uh. She'll freak out. She hates Challenge and loves Control – of you.
When a girl tries to get you to say the "L" word, ask her if you can say it just once a week. Tell her you want to take care of next month's quota right now. What do you mean, she'll ask, and you answer: "I love you I love you I love you I love you! There, I'm all caught up -- now let's have some fun!"
Jiri, you didn't take anything away from these ladies. You were just being a Challenge. You were consistent. Their lectures and rants are just more Womanese.
Don't get rattled, my friend. You should be having fun with all this stuff, kidding and laughing about it with your girlfriends. You should be talking to them like Owen Wilson or Jim Carrey would – in a non-stop comedy routine. Parry their desperation like a master boxer. And if you can't stop her from going completely nuts, tell her: "Honey, listen, you're going too fast for me too soon. You gotta slow it down. But we had a good run. Goodbye."
You're not doing anything wrong. You're doing everything right. You're just going out with psychos, Beautiful Women with a lot of little devils between their ears. Welcome to the wonderful world of dating. The fact that you're foreign has nothing to do with any of this. You're of the male gender, that's all that counts.
Sure, you would think that the fact that they're single would mean they have little or no baggage. Except for one little problem -- you know nothing about their childhoods! You're sane and they're not. And as far as their occupations go, like my cousin General Love puts it, "Just because a woman can sew a guy's arm back on his body, it doesn't mean she's good for the long haul!"
So don't sweat it, Jiri. You'll date a girl for longer than two or three months. You just haven't found her yet. You have to learn to relax and enjoy the ones you're with. The women you're dealing with now will teach you a lot about which ones to avoid. If they get too demanding, take a walk. "Baby, you're smothering me. Do me a favor – call me in 60 days." That's what you say.
Remember, guys: there are nut-cases in every country, not just America.
DOC LOVE IS THE FIRST MAN IN 6000 YEARS TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN
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