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Dennis W. Neder
Real Social Dynamics
Meet people from all over the US interested in no-strings attached fun.
How Does Hugh Hefner Handle All Those Young Babes?
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I'm in my mid-thirties, newly divorced, and have my own business. I recently purchased "The System" in an attempt to understand what went wrong with my marriage and not repeat the mistakes of the past.
After my divorce, but before I bought your book, I met an 18-year-old girl, Jami, through my business. She was and still is a regular customer. Our first date was to a concert. She invited me at the last minute and I foolishly accepted. The second time was to see a movie, also a last-minute invite. The third time was another concert, planned in advance. All three times one or more of her girlfriends came along. The fourth time was dinner with her parents, and I insisted on treating.
From your book it seems I did everything wrong. I bought Jami expensive presents. I complimented her too much. We also e-mailed and text-messaged every day.
Then she asked me for a job at my company. I told her I had concerns about that because I had feelings for her. She responded that she didn't have feelings for me, but wanted to be friends. I told her it would be too painful. This was all via e-mail and instant message.
After this, we stopped communicating for the most part. Occasionally she e-mails asking what I'm up to, and I've always responded. In her most recent message she asked for assistance with one of her college projects. (She wants to be an actress, by the way.)
My gut tells me that Jami is an immature, inflexible taker, and that she's not the one for me, but I find her very attractive. Doc, what should I do? Should I respond to her need for assistance? What do you think Cary Grant would do in this situation?
I would appreciate it if you could give me some guidance on this matter.
Frederic - who got your book a little too late
You didn't just purchase "The System." You invested in your life. You decided to protect your sanity. You gave yourself a guarantee that you'll never have to lie on a shrink's couch bawling over some ditzy babe.
Pal, the vast majority of guys repeat the mistakes of the past. Know what Judy, Caprice, Lynn, and Amber all say? "This guy's needy." But let's get on to your problem.
So, Jami's all of 18 years old? Come on, Frederic -- what are you going to do, adopt this girl? But you did the right thing by going along when she asked you out. Take note, because this is what I call an "advanced class." When a girl comes at you, when she invites you out, you have to GO. I don't care if you're the third or fourth dude on her list; if you go along for the ride, you might end up number one or two. And that's why you go for it. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "When she tells you to start the dance, you say ‘Baby, turn up the music!'"
When Jami invited you to the movies that was the second time she asked you out. Freddie, you're moving up! Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "You're really swattin' flies now, baby!" Then a concert planned in advance? Wow. You started out as hamburger, next thing you know you're Chateaubriand!
Now, guy, you know I'm against group dates, but you had to go along with Jami when she asked you out with her friends because she's just out of diapers and needs chaperones. I know this sounds silly, but these 18- to 22-year-olds have to run you past their girlfriends for approval first. Like the old Chinese proverb goes, "That's ding-dong rule number one!" You're a nice guy and she was bragging about you. You worked this girl nicely, man.
And by the way, you better only get together with this girl at night because I don't want her seeing your sagging jowls and all those deep lines and saddlebags under your eyes!
It's perfect that you insisted on treating for dinner when you stepped out with Jami's parents. That's exactly what Cary Grant would have done, too. And, hey -- you're meeting the folks!
So you're being too hard on yourself, Frederic. You did lots of things right – up to this point. But now here's the downside.
You only buy expensive presents for your fianc? or your wife. Big mistake, Frederic. You don't stick 10 or 15 grand on the credit card for this little girl. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "Before you open up your wallet, you gotta swing an alone date with her, man."
My book tells you to limit your compliments. You had the book, but you didn't MEMORIZE it, and when you were confronted with this stunning 18-year-old nymph (who belongs on the cover of Elle magazine), it's understandable that you weakened. But you pulled another boner, Frederic.
E-mailing and text-messaging this honey every single day was a huge blunder. To you Psych majors, Challenge means you're out in North Dakota because the United States Federal Witness Protection Program put you there -- you can't be found until your next date!
And to ice the cake, you just couldn't hold yourself back and had to blabber about all the feelings you have for Jami….Frederic, what in the world are you doing baring your soul to this child? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "You got kids older than this girl!" Talk about begging! Talk about weak!
Of course Jami doesn't have feelings for you -- but she loved your Visa card. That's one out of two. But if I were you I'd be friends with Jami – but you're going to be kissing her on her doorstep. You told her it was too painful to be friends via e-mail? I'll bet that raised Interest Level at least 10 points!
You and Jami didn't stop communicating, buddy – she dropped you like a bad habit. When she contacts you from now on, tell her you've got a heavy love problem. You're dating twin Playmates -- Miss January and Miss July of 2007 -- and they're fighting like cats over you. And you really like Miss January because she has a great sense of humor, but there's something about Miss July you love too. The problem is that her legs are too long. What's a poor guy to do? Ask her for a suggestion.
Wanting help with her college course and dreaming about becoming an actress is a double whammy. Tell Jami that you'll help her with her project but first she has to come over to your house and cook dinner.
I have no doubt whatsoever that you find Jami very attractive, my friend. And that makes two of you – you and the U.S. Army. How should you handle it now? Disappear. It's your only hope. What would Cary Grant do in your position? Mostly the opposite of what you've been doing.
Remember, guys: if she's beautiful and between 18 and 22, don't try to buy her.
DOC LOVE IS THE FIRST MAN IN 6000 YEARS TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN
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