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Dennis W. Neder
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How Does Jack Nicholson Get Rid Of Them?
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I enjoy your love radio show and columns and have to tell you that "The System" was the best purchase I ever made in my life. The book really tells the truth, and I realize it more and more every day.
Now to my problem. I've been in a relationship with Aimee for two years. I'm 30 and she's 36. We've been living together for 11 months. She has an eight-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. Aimee has low Self-Esteem but is Flexible and a Giver about 50% of the time. Otherwise, she's high maintenance (after all, she is a Beautiful Woman) and has no sense of humor, which is something I miss a lot in a partner. As you can imagine, she nags a lot and likes to argue.
After getting your book and reading it a couple of times, I began implementing your principles, especially Challenge, and it started to work. Aimee's Interest Level, which was always (I think) above 50%, started to rise.
My problem is that Aimee always tries to blame someone else (mostly me) for anything and everything bad that happens to her. And boy-oh-boy, she complains and whines like a little baby. Another problem is that she is so dependent that she thinks that every time I detach from her (even if I'm in another room) I'm doing something deceitful. For example, recently I was in the kitchen for 10 minutes preparing snacks and she was lying on the sofa watching TV. When I returned with a plate full of goodies, she asked what I was doing in there. Looking at the plate, I said, "What do you think I was doing?" She actually didn't believe that's all I was up to.
Doc, I know there are too many red flags, and I would like to end this relationship. Sometimes it seems to me that the main reason Aimee's with me is because I get along great with her daughter and she wants another child. But I can't see myself living with Aimee the rest of my life and having kids with her because whenever she's upset or nervous about something, innocent people around her will suffer. Did I mention she's also lazy?
So Doc, I guess what I'm asking is, what's the best way to end this relationship? I know I'm still a wimp, but I'm working on getting myself on the right track. I just need time and freedom to practice your techniques. My main concern is the entire transition period of breaking up because Aimee and I live together. I do have an opportunity to get a job in another city about 200 miles away. That could be a good excuse to get out.
Ryan - who needs a strategy
You know how Jack Nicholson gets rid of them? Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "He gives 'em a nice tip." But we won't get into his problems now. We're going to concentrate on you, Ryan.
So, your Aimee's a Flexible Giver about 50% of the time? Unfortunately, what that means is that you're absolutely miserable the other 50% of the time! Is that any way to live, Ryan? To you Psych majors, this girl should be on the cover of Cosmopolitan. That's why she can get away with pulling the stuff she pulls. And that's how stupid some men are.
Let me correct you on something you wrote, my friend. You don't really mean, "Otherwise she's high maintenance." What you really mean is ON TOP OF IT ALL, she's high maintenance. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "You call this a good deal?"
Now let me tell you something, and it's really important. Way back in 1985, I incorporated CHALLENGE into "The System." Like the immortal Sigmund Freud said, "It turned out to be the most revolutionary concept to affect dating and love in the twentieth century." But since then, nothing -- NOTHING -- new has made it onto the Truth Triangle in the Dating Dictionary. Until just last month, when I added the element of HUMOR. Why? Because of how incredibly important a sense of HUMOR is to a loving relationship. And so it's obvious what it means if you have a girl who doesn't have it. Think about it, man.
Ninety-nine percent of all women have at least a little sense of humor. Like my cousin Brother Love down in Watts says, "Hell, even some Feministas try to laugh once in awhile!" But no sense of humor at all? My cousin Fast Eddie Love says it best: "Does this girl have legs as long as Stacy Keibler of wrestling and dancing fame?"
Yes, shocking, as it might seem, I can imagine that Aimee likes to nag and argue. But you should tell her, "Honey, I think that arguing is the most loving thing you can do in a relationship, and that's why I love you so much!" And say it with a straight face. Then wink at her, just like Dennis Quaid.
After you read my book, what started to work was that Aimee's Interest Level went from 40% to 49%. She's still with you, but she's a mess. That's the problem with this girl.
But consider what happens in life. Don't successful people look at themselves first to try and figure out why something went wrong? Your Aimee does the exact opposite. Ryan, do you really want to be stuck with that kind of negativity for the rest of your life?
Now let me ask you a question. If Aimee complains and whines like a little baby, have you asked her why she isn't a movie star? When she thinks you're up to no good behind her back, you have to learn to use HUMOR in these situations. Remember, anytime something heavy comes up with any babe, you're supposed to go straight into your Robin Williams routine and lighten things up.
When she asked what you were doing in the kitchen, you handled it all wrong. You went on the defensive. Like I always tell you guys, when the going gets rough, you have to come up with a funny. What you tell her is, "Know what I was doing in there? I was going through my new Playboy magazine, checking out all the girls. What were you doing, honey?"
Now let's get this straight….You spend 10 minutes doing something innocent in the kitchen, and Aimee accuses you of not really doing what you said you were doing and that's not really a plate of food? Hey, this girl is really rational! You got a real winner here!
Know what, Ryan? Your babe lives in what's called "Beautiful Girl World." That's the planet where she thinks it's all about her all the time and the stars revolve around nobody but her. To you Psych majors, most models and actresses inhabit "Beautiful Girl World."
And now you finally see the red flags sprouting up everywhere. Dude, the building has already burned to the ground! Of course this has to end. This relationship should never have started in the first place. Pal, you fell in love with a Beautiful Psycho Girl.
And you two want a baby -- with her attitude? Are you nuts? The innocent person suffering around her is YOU. To you Psych majors, do you really want to unleash her on a child?
Yes, you did happen to mention that Aimee was lazy. But I had a hunch from the way she had you playing servant in the kitchen while she sprawled on the couch and watched the tube. Which means she's also very crafty and knows how to use what she's got to get what she wants. I can't believe how good-looking this girl is!
Guy, you should have extricated yourself from this morass the day after you read my book. You know what that means? That means calling Beacon's and getting out of town on the double.
You moved in with her too soon, buddy. You didn't know this girl. All you knew was that she looked like one of the stunners on the cover of Harper's Bazaar.
I wish that you were moving 2,000 miles away instead of 200 miles away, Ryan. But like my cousin Father Love would say, "At this time, just take the job."
Remember, guys: if she lives in Beautiful Girl World, until you have my principles down, don't waste her time.
DOC LOVE IS THE FIRST MAN IN 6000 YEARS TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN
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