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Dennis W. Neder
Real Social Dynamics
Meet people from all over the US interested in no-strings attached fun.
Would Jude Law Give A Hoot If She Had A Boyfriend?
New Article Every Thursday
I've been reading your articles for quite a while. First of all, I would like to thank you for what you do to help us guys on the battlefield of dating, and also let you know that I really enjoy reading your material. It's the most refreshing thing on the web for men.
Now here's my question. I met Carmen last week at a department store at a mall, and had a very engaging conversation with her for about an hour and a half. We laughed and flirted and I could tell that she was very interested
and attracted to me. We exchanged telephone numbers and agreed that we would both like to see each other again.
So in other words, everything was perfect...if she didn't have a
boyfriend. When I asked her if she was seeing someone, she just said yes, without going into a whole long explanation about it. But apparently she isn't too serious with him, otherwise she wouldn't have responded to me the way she did, right? Usually I wouldn't pursue anyone who was in a serious relationship, but we most definitely had a strong connection, and I would at least like to follow up with Carmen.
How can I ask Carmen out, or find out if she is willing to leave her current relationship, without appearing arrogant? Of course I'd like to come across as confident, though, at the same time. The goal is to be able to date her, so what would you suggest in this situation to attract her even more?
Do you think I'm leaving myself wide open for rejection or to be used by Carmen? And how do I avoid that?
I know this might seem very basic to you, but I could really use the help.
Thanks, and sorry for the long question.
Emanuel - who's eager to find out if he really has a chance
I appreciate your compliment, and the word you used was right on the money – my column is refreshing. That's because nobody out there among all those hundreds of so-called love doctors sounds even remotely like me. And you know why? Because I'm the only one truly looking out for you guys.
So you met Carmen at a mall. Great, pal – you picked up a complete stranger. You beat the odds. And you didn't just ask for her home phone number and got out of there, you actually built some value into your 90 minutes together. You stretched a passing encounter into a cup of coffee and a conversation that went beyond "Wow, you have a great set of legs! Wanna get together sometime and check out my etchings?"
So for you Neanderthals out there cruising the malls, don't just go up to her and beg for her home phone number. Suggest a glass of iced tea or lemonade – that's what you want to do. Get your time in and then pitch her for the number. You've got to build some value when you're in an anonymous, public place; otherwise you're a step away from being a stalker. And Emanuel, you did it for a whole hour and a half. Great job – as long as you didn't get carried away with yourself and tell her you were the new crown prince of Monte Carlo!
But why are you giving this hottie your phone number? When a woman hands you her card or writes her number down for you, you have to go straight into a hard interview, just like a good, tough love cop. "So, honey -- are you going to call me? When are you going to call me? What night? Let's set up a time right now when you're going to dial my digits." Because do you know what you're likely to hear in answer to those questions? "Uh…uh…uh…uh…." Guys, women never call! Why go through all that worthless rigmarole? Don't give her your number. To you Psych majors, once you get her home phone number, beat it the heck out of there. You've closed the deal.
So, everything was perfect with your little Carmen Electra-look alike, except for one little glitch…that darned boyfriend. Gosh, they're a pain, aren't they? Here you two are getting along better than Jude Law and his nanny and it turns out Carmen's the granddaughter of the dictator of North Korea! It's gonna be tough getting her out of North Korea. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would say, "But other than that, this girl's all over you, right?"
My friend, the girl has to be available. I hate to have to inject such a heavy dose of truth into your life in one sentence, but she has to be available. And this girl is not available. Still, you made a good contact. So what we're going to do is try and figure out a way -- if this boyfriend of hers takes a dive in the next couple of months – to be there to pick up all the pieces.
When she said she was seeing a guy, you should have asked in your best Danny DeVito voice, "How many guys?" You make a valid point about the strong connection the two of you had, but it's really just a half-truth. You still have to figure out what her Interest Level in this turkey of hers is.
Another possibility is that she's just being disloyal, and for you that's not a good thing. Because what makes you think she wouldn't be disloyal to you somewhere down the line? Or, maybe she has 95% Interest Level in her turkey and she also has low self-esteem, so she'll take attention from anybody anywhere anytime. We got all these possibilities floating around, my friend, and that's why I train you guys to think in terms of all the variables when you're trying to get a read on a babe. You're in training with me to become love detectives, and with time, you guys will start thinking like the cops on Love And Order.
Emanuel, you wouldn't pursue a girl who's in a serious relationship with someone else because she's not available. But your Interest Level is up in the stratosphere and your ego is all involved with Carmen because she talked to you for 90 minutes, and so you're going to act against your own common sense. If you asked Carmen if she was seeing anybody, and if she answered "Well, yes, but we're breaking up at 8 o'clock tonight," then it would be okay to forge ahead, because she was getting rid of her turkey and she's available. Get it now?
You won't appear arrogant by trying to move in on Carmen, you'll just appear stupid. And like most men, you're going to come on way too heavy too fast, and she's already got somebody else!
Your game plan is to get this girl away from this guy. Remember, the odds are lousy, and you should still be chasing other girls. Until Carmen's guy is history, you're not going to think about her. You're just going to play a little head game with her and see if you can get her to give your competition his walking papers.
The goal is not to be able to date Carmen -- that's where you're wrong, dude. If you start pressuring her for a date, she'll say "I have a boyfriend -- I told you that, didn't I?" and you're dead in the water before you even get started. So what you're going to do is this: you're going to call her every two weeks. Hopefully she'll call you back in between, and you'll set up a coffee date. You're going to meet her at Starbucks and drink coffee for 30 minutes MAXIMUM. Then you're going to walk her to her car and try to give her a kiss. And then you'll see what happens from there and how much she wants to talk about her turkey.
Manny, why are you talking about rejection? You spent 90 minutes with a girl who has a boyfriend! You have to get to nine dates with her without rejection before you even entertain the idea of where you stand. Like my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "You got the cart before the horse, boy!"
Remember, guys: when you meet her at Starbucks, make sure you're overdressed and wearing your best cologne.
To send me your love questions, listen to my call-in talk show, or to find out more about "The System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"
DOC LOVE IS THE FIRST MAN IN 6000 YEARS TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN
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