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Would Mickey Rourke Buy Mischa Barton's Story?


Doc Love
New Article Every Thursday


Hey Doc,

I've been a student of your techniques for about a month now. I think I have to break up with Maria Luiza, but I just don't have the heart to do it. This is my story.

I started dating this drop-dead gorgeous beauty (she's a dead ringer for the actress Mischa Barton) about a year ago. After a few months of being together, she had to leave for Brazil (which is where she's from) for three months. We decided that we would continue our relationship long-distance.

I thought everything was going okay, but now I'm not so sure. The night before she was to come back to the U.S., she went out dancing with her friends. She was offered a ride home afterwards by one of her male companions. En route to her house, he stopped by his place and invited her in for a few minutes. At this point the details get sketchy, but here's what I've been able to wrestle out of her so far.

She had had two drinks at the bar and was feeling lightheaded. When they got inside the guy's apartment, he sat on the couch next to her and started kissing her. She said what followed "just happened." When I asked her how it happened, she said that maybe she wasn't feeling so sure about our relationship. She said that they were kissing for just a second, but then things got a little more intimate. Then, she said, she pushed him away and ran out of the place and went and reported him to the police.

When Maria Luiza showed up in the States the next day, there were no bruises or scratches on her. I went to visit her at her place, but we ended up arguing all night over this incident. Whenever I asked her for more details, she started attacking me. She made me feel like the culprit, Doc, and maintained that what happened wasn't her fault at all. By four in the morning I got tired of arguing and left.

Doc, is Maria Luiza's story just Womanese? What do you see here? I see scum. But I just can't gather enough courage to drop her. Like I said, she's a legitimate "10."

I really want to get over this ordeal. Any suggestions, Doc?

Gordon - who can't tell if he's being snowed

Hi Gordon,

First of all, you say "we" – meaning you and Maria Luiza together -- decided to continue your relationship long distance. But just who brought the arrangement up first? Was it you? Or was it her? Did you have to beg? How was the subject left when Maria Luiza flew off to the Amazon? Were you whimpering like an abandoned pit bull?

Let's move on to what happened. Now let me get this straight. Maria Luiza went out with the girls, but happened to get into a car that wasn't owned by one of them. No, instead she ends up cruising around in the middle of the night with some guy she was dirty dancing with at the club. Hm….Then she gets out of the car and goes with him into his apartment. Fascinating. Uh, why didn't she sit in the car and tell him, "Go do what you have to do in the apartment and I'll wait here?" She must have been so lightheaded from those two drinks that she completely forgot what she was doing – and all about you, too.

And it's at this sensitive point that the details of Maria Luiza's story get sketchy. I wonder why that is? Gordon, this is about as comical as the upcoming trial of Phil Spector, old helmet-hair himself. The details of what happened in his mansion that night are very sketchy too. The cops have been trying to get them straightened out ever since they arrested him.

But let's look a little closer at what allegedly went down with your girlfriend. Why didn't she sit in a chair so this fellow couldn't sit next to her? When she said that what followed "just happened," does it mean she cooked him breakfast in the morning?

I gotta hand it to this girlfriend of yours, man. She's slick, all right. You were interrogating her like an internal affairs officer and she decided to turn the tables on you. What exactly wasn't she so sure of when it came to your relationship? Your high Interest Level? She knows you were in love with her, so what exactly was she saying? Did you ever think that when she was necking with her salsa partner from south of the border that maybe she wasn't sure of her Interest Level in you?

This whole scene is just great. It reminds me of those classic arguments where the girl does something outrageously wrong and her poor boyfriend is so angry he can't see straight, and then she cuddles up to him and coos "Are you mad?" Now the poor schmuck is suddenly on the defensive, and if he says he's not mad, then he's lying! Don't think that my cousin General Love is kidding for a second when he says, "Go out there fully armed, because dating is war!"

To you Psych majors, she's pulling a fast one on you. She's scamming you. It's called being so slippery that you lose your footing and get all confused. But when you see those bee-stung lips and legs that start up here and end down in Ipanema in a bikini, you don't have a prayer.

Any chance Maria Luiza and her chauffeur could have been kissing for an hour rather than just a second? And I wonder exactly what "a little more intimate" means? Since this column is G-rated, we can't go any deeper into it, but you get the idea. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "They weren't playing checkers, baby!"

Now let me get something else straight. Your squeeze reported this guy to the authorities for the following reasons:

1. She got into his car voluntarily.
2. She went to his place voluntarily.
3. She sat next to him on his couch voluntarily.
4. She made out with him voluntarily.
5. He never held a gun to her head.

Well, gee, if I were cop, I'd put the guy away too! Her story makes perfect, logical sense to me!

You say you saw no bruises or scratches when you two got together the next morning? I'm shocked all over again! Boy, medicine works fast these days! But like Fast Eddie Love says, "I'll bet he had scratches all over his body!"

But at the end of the day, nothing was Maria Luiza's fault – she didn't make any bad choices at all when she was partying down in Rio. Gordon, I have to give this girl's story the Womanese Award of the Year for 2005.

You might see scum here, Gordo, but I see an anaconda in the grass.

Nevertheless, you can't bring yourself to drop this babe because she's too hot-looking. And that's very sad. The point is this: she's always gotten away with murder because of her looks. And she'll go on getting away with murder until she hits the wall or somebody calls her on it.

And that's the one thing you did right. You busted her, and that's why she attacked you. I think it's great, man. You were really, really sharp. Most guys wouldn't have the guts to not let their little starlets wriggle immediately off the hook.

Here's my suggestion: next time don't fall in love so fast.

Remember, guys: when the girl attacks you, you know she's guilty.

DOC LOVE IS THE FIRST MAN IN 6000 YEARS TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN



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